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Wedding Shmedding

I don't care what anyone says. Weddings have gotten out of control.

Don't get me wrong. I too once had a wedding…well, three actually. You know what they say—third time's a charm. It wasn't until I was 38 years old that I realized the whole wedding thing is a conspiracy by Macy's, the Hawaiian tourism bureau, and The Knot.com to try to get us to believe we have to spend $50,000 to demonstrate the power of our love. My last wedding was a simple affair, set outdoors in a garden (free flowers), with only a few friends and family. And what a relief it was.

According to the statistics, more than 2.4 million American couples get married every year, and have, on average, 188 people attend their weddings. That adds up to about $10 billion a year spent on gifts alone, not to mention the money the bride and groom (or their families) spend on flowers, food, music, clothes, invitations, napkins, makeup, hair, favors…need I go on?

To add insult to injury, the hot new trend in recent years is the "destination wedding." This basically means that the friends and family of the bride and groom are expected to fork over not only the $150 wedding gift, but the $1,000 it costs to fly to Maui during peak season and the $250 a night hotel room (and for those who are single, a $25 single-occupancy penalty on top of the humiliation of coming without a date.) Then, as the bride and groom shuttle off to their private honeymoon location, you are left with a bunch of people you haven't seen in ten years and, frankly, don't like.

My objective is not to deprive my friends of their special day. But who can not think that a ceremony in which you wear a virginal white dress and your father gives you away is archaic? My best friend is getting married in six months, and as the most "experienced" of her friends, she calls me about 3.5 times per hour asking me questions about the big day.

"Did you know that Melissa Rivers had her groom's family crest sewn into her skirt?"

"Does John even have a family crest?"

"Do you think the guests should throw confetti, rice, or blow wedding-cake shaped soap bubbles after the wedding?"

"Martha Stewart says that if I make my own stationary I can save up to $1.50 per invitation."

"Did you know that Lifetime Fantasy Weddings recommends that you keep a food diary in order to lose those extra ten pounds before the wedding?"

"Do you think I should wear my hair up or down? Anne Heche had ringlets. What do you think about ringlets?"

"Live band or DJ?"

"Place cards or open seating?"

"Live processional and recessional music?"

"Cocktail hour? Should I have a cocktail hour?"

"What do you think of the idea of releasing butterflies after the ceremony?"

"Katie, that's just creepy."

You get the picture. Now, I'm not saying "don't get married," nor am I saying "don't have a wedding." I'm just saying keep it under control, folks. Take, for instance, the bridesmaids. Now, in general, the bridesmaids are grownups. Let them pick out their own dresses. I have a closet full of taffeta gowns that I'm never going to touch again, but can't bear to give away because each one cost over $400. The one thing that I do insist be done well and with plenty of style is the reception. After all, the guests have shelled out money on your gift and bought new outfits to boot. The least you could do is treat them to some good grub—and an open bar.

Another popular trend is the fantasy wedding. I read somewhere that a bride had decided to theme her wedding "medieval masquerade." She actually requested that the guests arrive dressed for a medieval masquerade ball. And what, did she make the men wear armor and ride to the wedding on horseback? Did the guests have to eat the wedding dinner with their hands while swigging mugs of warm mead? Another bride, after getting engaged to her Prince Charming, pulled out binders of wedding ideas that she had started collecting at age 12. What is wrong with our culture that a little girl's biggest aspiration is to one day marry rich? With all the media frenzy surrounding movie star weddings, the Web sites, books, magazines, and television shows dedicated to the big day, the most important thing to remember is to make it your special day. After all, it only happens once.

Or three times.


1
	A)	Weddings are festive occasions.
	B)	Weddings are excessive.
	C)	A wedding is the most important event of a woman's life.
	D)	People shouldn't get married.

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