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Scenario 1: Hover Mom
Scenario
Ms. Winston teaches fourth grade in a middle-upper class elementary school. A small but increasing number of students are only-children with older parents. Some of these parents are nearing retirement age and spend a lot of time "hovering" over their children. Emma Clay's family is a good example. Emma is a very bright, engaged and well-behaved student. Her father is sixty-two and her mother is forty-five. They are both very involved in Emma's life. Mrs. Clay volunteers in the classroom twice a week and plays a major role in other school functions, such as PTA meetings and fundraisers.
Each morning before school, teachers enter the playground area to line up their classes. Since the first day of school, Emma's mother has stood with her in line. Now she walks Emma to the school door and stops. At the beginning of the school year, Mrs. Clay had insisted on walking Emma into the classroom, until Ms. Winston gently urged her to give Emma more independence.
"But Emma likes me being here," Mrs. Clay argued. "Emma has made some new friends," Ms. Winston answered, "and morning recess is a good time for them to socialize and release some energy. The morning recess is designed to make parent-child separation easier."
Today, a student teacher arrives to observe Ms. Winston's class.
The Children Need Me More
"Ready to go get the children, Wendi?" Ms. Winston asks her new student teacher. Wendi nods her head and follows Ms. Winston out to the playground. As soon as the students spot her, they tear across the asphalt and stand in a crooked line. Ms. Winston holds an arm straight out in front of her and the students wiggle and shove into place.
Wendi watches Mrs. Clay get into the back of the line, holding Emma's hand. "Is she another teacher?" asks Wendi. "No," answers Ms. Winston. "She is Emma's mother." Wendi senses slight tension and wonders about the situation.
"Good morning my wonderful ADJECTIVES!" says Ms. Winston, smiling. One by one, the students quiet and hands slowly go up. Ms. Winston points to Davis. "Delicious!" he says. Next, Ms. Winston points to Jared. "Jolly!" he says, evoking giggles from classmates. Ms. Winston asks every student in line for an adjective. She offers a polite nod to Mrs. Clay, who tells Emma to say efficient for her adjective. "But I want to say excellent," Emma whines. "Excellent is an excellent adjective!" Ms. Winston says. Mrs. Clay pats Emma's hair down and readjusts a hairclip. Emma tries to wriggle away, but Mrs. Clay holds her firmly in place.
Every morning, Ms. Winston calls her students something different, such as an adjective, animal, fruit, dessert, state, or country. Each student responds with a different word. "I love that idea!" Wendi says. "I came up with it one morning when the kids were not calming down and I called them all wriggle-worms," Ms. Winston explains. "Several kids said they weren't wriggle-worms, so I asked them what they were. And the rest is history! It's a great way to get them thinking and focused in a fun way. Students even started coming up with new categories for me!"
The students file past Ms. Winston into the school hallway. Mrs. Clay lags behind, trying to give Emma extra hugs good-bye. "Mo-o-m! I'm going to be late!" Emma pulls free and runs ahead into school. Ms. Winston tells Mrs. Clay to have a good day and turns to her class.
Later, Wendi asks about Mrs. Clay. Leaning back in her chair, Ms. Winston answers, "It has been a difficult parent-child separation &8212; difficult for Mrs. Clay, not Emma! For the first weeks of school, Mrs. Clay always had something to talk to me about. She would talk for ten or fifteen minutes and I couldn't get my kids lined up and focused. I have 32 wonderful, little BRAINS standing in front of me, waiting to start their day! It wasn't fair to them to spend so much time with Mrs. Clay. The children need me more."
"She still doesn't understand how important it is for Emma to learn independence," Wendi says. "No, I'm afraid she doesn't," answers Ms. Winston. "I think I'll need to schedule a conference with her to explain just how important it is &8212; for both of them."
Scenario 2: Too Much, Too Young
Mrs. Nguyen is a counselor for several elementary schools. She helps teachers work with students who have emotional problems due to neglect and physical abuse. She also works with many students who suffer because of their parents' substance abuse. Schools are reporting increasing numbers of students with such problems and they are overwhelmed.
Today Mrs. Nguyen is visiting Hawthorne Elementary to meet with Sabina and several other students. She is a sixth grade girl who is essentially raising her five younger siblings. Sabina has a lot of potential, but she is on the edge of failing her classes due to the demands and stresses of her home life. She frequently comes to school overtired, underfed, and chronically dirty. Her mother recently regained custody of the children after finishing a substance abuse program in a halfway house. For the first few weeks after regaining custody, Sabina's mother picked the children up from school. Now, the children walk home alone because Sabina's mother spends most of her time with a new boyfriend. Her temper flares easily and spirals into physical and verbal abuse. Sabina says she is back to "the same old thing".
Sabina doesn't know what to do with her fourth-grade brother, whom everyone calls Little J. He was physically abused by one of his mother's former boyfriends and is angry and violent. Little J frequently punches and kicks holes in the thin walls of their apartment. His teacher reports that he regularly hits, kicks, and screams at other children. Sabina is trying to deal with his problems as well as her own homework and household duties. Sabina is stretched thin and feels her world caving in around her.
The Long Walk Home
Sabina enters the small multipurpose office, which is shared on different days by the school counselor, occupational therapist, and health assistant. Dark circles shadow her eyes and she looks like she's been crying. Her hair is tangled and dirty and her clothes look as though they haven't been washed in weeks.
Sabina likes Mrs. Nguyen and her calm, gentle manner. She feels safe and secure when they are together. At first, Sabina is quiet, but then the floodgates open. "I don't know what to do about Little J!" Sabina says, crying. "I can't do it! I can't take care of him and everything else! I don't know how." Mrs. Nguyen listens and holds Sabina's hand. Sabina leans into her and sobs.
"I will visit Little J's teacher today. There are more things we can do to try and help him here." Mrs. Nguyen reaches into her bag and pulls out a stress ball. "Take this home and I will give one to his teacher. It's a stress ball that Little J can squeeze when he's feeling angry. I know it doesn't seem like much, but they are an effective way to channel anger in a healthy way." Sabina takes the ball and says, "Thanks, but he'll just throw it through a window or something." Mrs. Nguyen smiles. "There is also more we can do for him after school. Master Kim is going to start an after-school Tae Kwon Do program and we're first going to target students like Little J." "Are you crazy?" Sabina asks. "The last thing we want is Little J turning into a ninja. Besides, we can't afford that anyway."
Mrs. Nguyen hands a pamphlet to Sabina, describing the philosophy of Tae Kwon Do. "It's free! You'll see inside that Tae Kwon Do isn't all about being a ninja," Mrs. Nguyen says. "The students will learn the physical part, of course, but Master Kim is going to focus on inner strength, respect, and discipline &8212; something Little J and the others need! It will be a supervised, controlled way to channel anger and negative energy into something healthy and nurturing." Sabina looks somewhat relieved.
"Don't worry," Mrs. Nguyen says. "I haven't forgotten about you. We are working on finding after-school alternatives for all of your siblings so that you have time to focus on yourself and your studies. And we're going to contact your mother and invite her to enroll in our TLC program for parents. It offers training in practical skills so that you don't have the burden of caring for the family."