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 Exercise 10.1
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Denise Franklin, a reporter at the Santa Cruz (Calif.) Sentinel, interviewed a licensed family, marriage and child therapist for a story on being single. Her story concentrated on a workshop that the therapist, Paula Rotman, holds for single people as well as Rotman's advice on building relationships. Use the following information—Franklin's notes (below) and a flier announcing the workshop (next page)—to construct a story based on one interview. The notes you are given for the story are exactly as Franklin took them, except that her abbreviations are spelled out to make it easier for you. The direct quotations are marked; the rest of the material can be paraphrased.
Paula Rotman
In fall, will become a 2-day class.
A lot of those who come to workshop are newly divorced, newly widowed or in a stuck place in their lives.
Usually ½ men, ½ women and mix of single, divorced, widowed and a mix of ages attend the workshops.
They are either looking for someone or want skills to let go of the ended relationship. They want a way to let go and really use their energy for the future, for themselves and future relationships.
Many have dated as teens, married for many years and then they are single. "They don't have the social skills and the knowledge of what's going on out there. There has been a social and sexual revolution."
"Their questions are as simple as when out on a date, who pays? to as complex as what's right for me—an affair, living together or marriage? What is it I want from this relationship?"
Her advice: "Make choices that are comfortable for you. In your sexuality, are you a monogamous person who'd like to remarry or would you like to date several people and have many relationships?"
The most common complaint: Where to meet and how to meet. "A lot of people seem to meet in my class. It seems to be a good safe place to meet people in a non-threatening atmosphere."
She suggests "Do something you really enjoy doing, out of your interest, not out of your loneliness."
For example, she plays tennis and "if I meet someone playing tennis, I'm going to be a much more interesting person because I'm there to enjoy myself, not because I'm lonely."
She's single and a single parent. She's in private practice in Capitola and teaches at Cabrillo in women's studies, as well as workshops.
What's exciting about the workshop is they get to see their commonality. "They both want love and companionship and are afraid of reaching out."
"One of the biggest things that most women bring up is they get into self-defeating patterns, picking the wrong person or type of person. The first thing you do is see that you have a pattern and it's not working for you. An option is to date a wide variety of people to see how you feel with different types of people. You get them to date you by working on your self-esteem, which we work on in the workshop. We perform specific exercises to help us like ourselves better and to accept compliments when someone strokes us."
How to keep from appearing hungry? "Satisfy that need for intimacy with other friendships or relatives so that you don't feel so hungry for intimacy."
When do singles go wrong? "We put too much stress on the love relationship, as what is going to satisfy us the most. The stress should be put on enjoyment of our work, our friends, our interests, our spiritual life. We have to realize that a love relationship will only be one part of our whole life and we'll eventually find it. And we must believe that nothing lasts forever. Either through death or divorce, some of us are going to be alone at some time, so we need to know how to put together a successful life."
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If you think finding Mr. or Mrs. Right will solve all your problems "it will put too much stress on a relationship and it will never work."
Singles are really concerned about their sexuality. "They want to know how to handle children when they are dating." Constant question is what to do about the children when you want to have a special person spend the night. That has come up for the 10 years she's been giving the workshop.
She tells them: Do what you feel comfortable with. "And I tell them: Number one, children know everything. They think they can hide things from the children, but they can't. What can the adult comfortably handle? The difference is whether you show the children a committed relationship or many different partners. You are showing them two different things."
Also deal with age, past relationships, anger and hurt. "In widowhood, there can be a lot of anger that the person left you. Widowed people don't always realize what they are doing to themselves. In the workshop we get them to talk to others about it, so their energy isn't used in a negative way."
"Look at a new man, new woman, people who are liberated. Women are out in the workplace earning money and there are men who want to be more sensitive and feeling."
"Many people have been in traditional marriages and they now want relationships that are more liberated and more equal and they want to learn how to do that."
She asks people to ask themselves where they are on a traditional-egalitarian relationships scale. It is really tricky. People are working out the details. These egalitarian relationships are very new. "A lot of men in the workshop who had a traditional relationship said they no longer want to be the main money earner and the emotional bearer of the relationship. Take a couple who both want an egalitarian relationship but whose models were their parents or their first marriage. He sometimes wants to have dinner made for him and have the house clean when he gets home from work; she sometimes wants him to be the provider so she can stay home and raise the baby."
Most people are eventually looking for committed relationships.
"People are afraid of making the same mistake twice. The more they learn about themselves and past relationships, the less chance of that happening."
"I know people who have met that way. People who've married through an ad in a magazine. Just be careful. Meet here first in broad daylight where others are around."
"The other thing is, if you want to meet someone, you've got to get out there. Everyone would like to meet through friends or relatives, but it doesn't always happen that way. You've got to enlarge your world. That's the hard part. We work on that too. We do role playing. How to meet in certain situations."
She teaches the workshop "because it is fun and the class is fun. Nobody is doing things like that and it is so important. I don't know why people aren't doing groups anymore. Groups are out, but they are needed."
Relationships take time and energy. That's the thing that makes many marriages go under. "Successful singlehood is better than a bad marriage. Most people would rather be in a committed relationship, but if it is a bad one, you're better off alone. And how do they know when it's time to go?"
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 Chapter 10: Question 1 Image.jpg
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2007 McGraw-Hill Higher Education